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Day 32 – Bournemouth-Honiton

Day 32 – Bournemouth-Honiton

My last blog warned you things were going to get ugly. So heres another pic of me.

I thought I’d get that in before one of you cheeky buggers did. Spurs going all out in their hospitality there with a cardboard cut out of Gareth Bale.

If you want ugly, get ready to read on. This, is where it gets really, really tough…

I left Bournemouth ready for a challenge. I knew this for 2 reasons.

1. I get the ability to check the terrain on my cycling app. It shows me how many miles it is, estimated time it will take without stopping, estimated mph I will reach, how many feet uphill and downhill it is and what paths I take. It also shows me where every hill is, just in case I want to call my doctor or a priest first.

A lot of you have been interested in how its planned. I use the app komoot. We argue a lot, me and the generic female voice, but I know she loves me really. Even if I do spend several hours calling her a tw*t.

You can pick which vowel goes in that gap at your own leisure.

Oh and number 2.?

Everyone couldn’t wait to bloody tell me. I had texts, emails, calls, Facebook messages, faxes, telegrams, carrier pigeons, the lot of people telling me how horrendous it was going to be in perfect, down the inch detail. Cheers.

It reminded me of the time I went for a root canal. People would go ‘oh thats like giving birth through your mouth and such and such.

I blew my knee out 2 years ago, which I’ll come back to, and people couldn’t wait to tell me how my life was about to change when I did it. So ill never walk in a straight line again huh? Great, thanks for that. If you’re one of these people then have a word with yerself.

I knew I wouldn’t reach Plymouth in 1 day so I just set out to get as far as I could.

And this, was hell on earth.

Now I didn’t get to see a football ground today but the blog needs to continue on with the journey so I’ve been asked to lay what cycling round the UK is like, especially on terrain like this.

The answer? You’d rather have a root canal.

okay, i had emails asking, so here we go…

Firstly, lets conquer the topic of the age old road wars. Pedestrians hate cyclists but don’t mind motorists. Motorists hate cyclists but don’t mind pedestrians. OK so I’m already outnumbered, especially as cyclists hate everything that moves.

Pedestrians don’t look where they are going. They have the spacial awareness skill rating of 0. Ive paid more attention on crap first dates than people who walk do on a bloody road. Then when you do go around them as they are walking in the middle of the cycleways they recoil in horror as if you’ve just stuffed a lit firework up their arse.

Motorists do it too, you lot ain’t exempt. 2 cars going down a road, no problem, you manoeuvre around each other like Torvill and Dean using all the grace of a championship ice skater. When you see a bike coming towards you, you bloody panic. Its like bloody Top Gun when the planes are flying around each other. Seriously, what goes through your minds? Its as if you’ve gone,

“well I could deal with that hearse but I’ve never maneuvered round something so small before, what do I do? I know, ill swerve as if I’m having a seizure whilst beeping my horn. Tell you what, ill use the universal 2 finger salute motorists have for cyclists whilst I’m at it”. When you see a cyclist its as if you’ve suddenly spotted Godzilla coming towards you. There’s also no need to approach T Junctions at the speed of light either.

You love to wind us up too. There’s nothing more patronising than driving 4mph behind us. You know what you’re doing, we know what you’re doing, its the travelling equivalent of sarcasm. When you go slow, as I said, we know what you’re doing, you’re driving a mini not a bloody winnebago. Also, if you’re doing this and we pull a bit more to the left so you can get around us, then do that, I go left, you go right, not I go left and you carry straight on. I mean I get it, why scrape your car door on that bush when we can just use my face instead? If you drive a car and you’re smiling right now you’re probably one of them ain’t you.

Pedestrians you’re just as bad. If you need assistance with the fact that cyclists use cyclepaths then I suggest staying at home in future.

So I’ve started implementing a failsafe way of not having to break my 20mph speed because they are busy standing there on tinder not looking whats going on around them. I literally belt out the Tom Jones song Delilah. It both confuses paid scares them out of my way. So if you’ve seen me on my travels doing this, now you know why.

Secondly, the hills.

Heres a selection of hills I like.

Heres a selection of hills I dislike.

The route took me up this hill. I’m on a road bike. This was a mile uphill in long grass. You just couldn’t cycle through it, unfortunately this costs hours. I met a farmer half way up with a proper thick farmer accent, like that guy off the vicar of Dibley who just keeps saying no, no, no. Either that or he was just shit faced. Even he wondered why I was braving the conditions on a roadbike.

That and why I was singing delilah so loud.

The hills were the worst id encountered. I’m a bit more prepped now than I was with the odd hill at the start of this journey so it should have levelled out the experience. But it didn’t, not after the 50th bloody one. To say it was uncomfortable in the cold was an understatement. So steep are these himalayan like behemoths, I paid £10 for these padded cycle shorts and spent 42 miles with 5 quids worth stuck up my arse.

You know when its time to call it quits due to time, you need to find the nearest hotel and sometimesthat can be up to 20 miles away. A good thing I didn’t have to definitely be at a destination and after 128 kilometres with the night drawing in, it was time to rest up at the nearest town. Id rather cycle 20 miles on the flat than 1 mile uphill. Its like drinking tequila. It seems like a great idea at the start but in the end it ruins you.

I had a lush message to keep me going from Chelsea and Swedish international womens player Jonna Anderson. An Olympic silver medalist and U-19 UEFA championship winner, shes even scored 4 in 18 for chelsea as a defender. Impressive. She’s beaut so thank you Jonna. Chelsea football club have been great to me so far fair play.

So part of the journey to Plymouth done, part 2 all the way there is in the next update.

And it gets even more painful….

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